The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
sex in a hospital.. check
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
