i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
