operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
