i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
