I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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