Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
