Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
