She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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