my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
