literally had 100 drinks last night.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
