Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
