I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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