please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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