She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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