At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
