I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I need to sanitize my soul.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
