I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
