he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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