I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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