yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
