JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
