Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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