Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She bit a glass in half.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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