I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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