mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
