drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
