So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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