your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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