I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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