people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
