Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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