accomplished twins. life is a go
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
