If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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