ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
