My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
