hotel room ftw
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
