i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
