Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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