dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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