OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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