Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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