he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
