I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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