i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
