A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
