sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
