saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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