I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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