There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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