: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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